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"This thing on? Great. Which - that camera? Excellent, thanks."

"Good afternoon, everyone. It's been a long time since I did one of these, and there certainly weren't so many cameras at the last one, so if I need a moment, please forgive me."

*sigh*

"My name is Steve Rogers, but many of you will recognize me as Captain America. On my right here is Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, and on my left is Thor Odinson, an ally from... well abroad. I'm standing just a few blocks from the center of the damage caused by the Chitauri army during their invasion of Earth. As you will know by now, that invasion was limited to a few dozen blocks in downtown New York City. I'm proud to have been part of the team of extraordinary people who helped drive the Chitauri back out of my hometown here. I didn't and don't want to have to have this conversation with you all, but regretfully it's become necessary. Tony, if you could - "

"Yeah, Cap, thanks, I got it from here. So, JARVIS, let's have that first slide. Alright, people of Earth, this right here is an aerial view of the damage done by the *invaders* before *we* stopped them. JARVIS, an outline please? Nice blue, I think. Thanks. Okay, so. Zoom out a bit. Bit more. Bit- thanks, there's good. That circle there, the big *red* circle. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the radius of destruction caused by your average United States Army's low-yield nuclear *warhead*. As you can see, that's... well. A lot more. And *this*, ladies and gents, is the amount of *total destruction*, of lives lost and Cap's hometown destroyed, that *these* - JARVIS, next - you're killing me - *these* five people decided were a *reasonable sacrifice*. Let's recap. Blue circle? Avengers. Big red circle? These five. They call themselves the Council, which... honestly, sounds a little pretentious to me, and I'm wearing several million dollars' worth of custom-fitted Stark tech over Armani. JARVIS, names? Great. Here are their names, home addresses, and various other pieces of - "

*skitch - camera returns*

"Thank you, JARVIS. As you just saw, they really, *really* don't want you to know about them. Let alone where they're *sleeping* tonight. Now, *luckily*, there were several very gifted individuals available to not only deal with the invading *aliens*, but also to save the lives of a couple of million registered NYC voters - *and* one very important ambassador. You're up, Point Break."

"My name is not - I am Thor Odinson. God of Thunder, Protector of Midgard, heir to the throne of Asgard and proud to call myself an Avenger. With the rest of these fine warriors beside me, I was the target of one of your army's most powerful weapons. As a... representative of my people both here and... abroad, I have been given leave to demand the heads of - " *covers mic* "- to demand these war criminals be delivered, *alive*, to the throne of Asgard for judgment. I will grant you one day, Midgard - but delay even one moment longer, and you shall draw the wrath not only of my own thunder, but of the host of Asgard's mighty armies."

"Thanks, sunshine. O-kay, people, you heard the angry... God. One day. Wrap 'em up good and tight. We'll take delivery of 'em right here at Stark Tower - hell, we'll even pay the postage. Steve, any parting thoughts?"

"Thank you, Tony. Now, I missed the last couple of nuclear detonations, but that's only because I crashed the Red Skull's weapons into the Arctic ice, keeping *them* out of NYC as well. I'm ashamed to see that my fellow Americans have stooped to this level, and frankly, it feels a little like treason to me. So I'm standing with Mr - Thor Odinson on this one. These people need to be brought to justice, and I'm calling on all of you to join us - to join the Avengers - in doing so. Thank you all for your time, and God bless America."

*main mic cuts*

"Really, Steve? I mean, he's *right there*. Oh. JARVIS, put those jerks back up on the screen, and give 'em a countdown timer. Something subtle - fire engine red and gold, I think."

"Of course, sir. Your gift for understatement remains untested."

---

Submitted by thepush on Mon, May 22, 2023 to /r/WritingPrompts/

The prompt

"The Avengers need to be regulated. Look at how you destroyed New York in 2012." "Wait, didn't you guys launch a Nuke at the City after less than an hour of fighting?"