Random stories

"....huh."

I was a bit perplexed when I woke up this morning, mostly because I hadn't expected to wake up at all. After all the chaos of these last few days, of knowing all life would be snuffed out by that massive space rock, I had just given up. I had accepted my fate, spent the evening with my most expensive scotch and my favorite movie, Jurassic Park.

At least the meteor would also destroy that awful new trilogy. Silver lining, I supposed.

But the next day that was never supposed to come was here. My massive throbbing hangover almost made me wish it hadn't, like it was supposed to.

I stumbled out of bed, trying to avoid all the mess I had made over the previous week as I headed towards the nearest ibuprofen bottle. I shook out a small handful of the pills and drank them down in one large gulp.

I peeked out of the frosted privacy window in the bathroom, squinting to block out the morning sunlight. As usual, I couldn't make out any shapes through it, but I did see the tell tale flicker of a fire. Not the extinction event fires of a meteor strike, more like a post riot car fire.

I decided to stay inside again today. After all, I didn't have any plans for the day that wasn't supposed to exist.

I found the bottle of scotch again, delighted to find that I had left some remaining. I picked up my silly straw from the carpet, gave it a once over with my shirt, and placed it back into the bottle of Glenlivet Winchester.

I turned on the TV to the local news channel. It was fairly surprising that both the power and the signal were working, but I supposed they just hadn't been turned off.

Only one of the two usual news anchors was sitting at the desk. His shirt was opened down to his naval, revealing a woman's bra worn underneath. Each cup seemed to be stuffed with packing peanuts.

"So... yeah, didn't expect to come to work today, folks." He said, staring at the camera. His disheveled hair looked like he hadn't bathed since the original doomsday announcement a week prior. "Guess we're all alive after all. Or is this Hell?" He took a long swig from a half empty bottle of some sort of brown liquid.

I raised my own bottle towards the screen in a toast, then resumed drinking the $25,000 scotch with my silly straw.

"You may be wondering where my co-host Tiffany is today", he slurred. "Well, she's dead. She's just fuckin' dead. OD'd on heroin or some shit, I don't know. So I'll be filling in for both of us." He adjusted his bra, losing a few styrofoam bits as he did. "I think I'm pulling this off, don't you Johnny? For our viewers at home, Johnny is our camera man, and he's a useless fat fuck."

I took another sip from my beverage, then blew some bubbles into the scotch that was worth more than my last car.

"So yeah, we're alive." The newsman resumed. "Asteroid missed us by about 40,000 miles, those fuckin' nerds at NASA told us this morning. So I guess we all get the privilege of cleaning up all this shit around the planet." He took another long pull from his bottle, draining it. "Hey Johnny, you lazy fuck, go get me more burbon. Huh? The camera will be fine, just go. NOW!"

He threw the bottle at the camera man, missing badly and hitting the news camera instead. The channel immediately went dark.

I got up, and walked to my front door. Much like Johnny, I had other places I should probably be right now.

I stepped outside, feeling the cool morning breeze sweep over my completely nude body. I no longer cared about that sort of social faux pas. I saw the burning vehicles along my suburban street, mine included. I couldn't be mad about it, nobody had expected to face the consequences of their actions.

I heard a motorcycle approaching, going much faster than the posted 28 MPH sign my HOA had insisted we get custom made. I didn't know if it was even legal, but they had insisted we pay for the signs anyways.

The man swung a large chain in his right hand, like a biker gang movie from the 80's. He struck one mailbox, then another, breaking them in stride. Finally he saw me. He slowed, letting the chain dangle at his side.

"Dude... put some pants on" he said to me. "I didn't survive the apocalypse just to see another man's dick."

r/SlightlyColdStories

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Submitted by SlightlyColdWaffles on Wed, Jun 15, 2022 to /r/WritingPrompts/

The prompt

The news were shocking. In one week, a gigantic meteor was going to hit the Earth and obliterate it. Chaos ensues. Anarchy breaks out. Governments fall. A week later, everyone braces as they see the meteor… miss the Earth, barely. Things get awkward.