Badderlocks_
Selected Wed, Apr 05, 2023
Bonjean, fabled one-eyed general of the Unified Resisting Planets and hero of the people, frowned at the supplicating tyrant.
“You *what?*”
“I surrender,” the prone former emperor said. “Completely and utterly. Please, imprison me.”
Bonjean’s second-in-command, the legendary pirate-turned-flying ace known only as Bird, stepped forward, a snarl tearing across his mottled, scarred face.
“It’s a trap,” he spat. “This cannot be the real emperor. He must be an imposter, or… or…”
“Or this key is a bomb?” the ex-emperor dared to suggest.
“Yeah, it could be…” Bird trailed off. “Quiet, you.”
Bonjean rubbed her chin. “Why?” he finally asked. “What reason is there in this?”
The emperor rose slowly, cracking his neck. “Well,” he said, “to be frank, ruling is rather tedious. The tax system alone… Regardless, I found my life is frankly meaningless without a real challenge.”
“How dare you?” Bird hissed.
“Present company excluded, of course,” the emperor said with a polite cough.
Bonjean’s brow furrowed. “But why surrender? Why not… I don’t know… try to be a better ruler?”
“I tried, okay?” the emperor replied. “Do you think I was reforming taxes for fun? And the new senate… don’t get me started on the senate.”
“Aren’t they just figureheads that rubber-stamp whatever you send them to create just a semblance of representation in government? A bunch of rich fops that got rewarded with a fake job and a cushy life for happening to know the right people?”
“Exactly!” the emperor said. “You get it! I wanted so badly for them to be competent and put up some degree of fight against my decrees, but no! Nothing!”
Bird snorted. “You only *think* they don’t want to fight you. Why, it was trivial to place three of our own—“
“Bird. Shut up now,” Bonjean said, voice low and sharp like a swinging blade.
But the emperor waved a hand. “Trice, Gallateux, and Sherner? They’re the worst of the lot. IIS placed them in *your* organization so that you would place them in *my* organization.”
Bonjean blinked. “They’re *all* double agents for Imperial Intelligence?”
“Actually, they’re just idiots. They’re feeding you legitimate information, to be fair. It’s just useless compared to what they give *me*. Honestly, I think they agree to whatever scheme was last presented to them. They just want to feel useful.”
“Sir, you can’t truly be listening to this maniac. He’s just trying to steal our hope and turn us against each other!” Bird said. “Take this imposter into the prisons and have done with this!”
“Yes, please!” the emperor said. “I’m getting tired of expositing this whole situation. Please, just take me away!” He held out the key in both hands, ready to be cuffed.
Bonjean approached and took the key. “And… what is this, exactly?”
“It’s a key,” the emperor replied.
Bonjean sighed. “Yes, and…?”
“I don’t know. I thought it would be a nice symbol of my surrender. The keys to the kingdom, so to speak.”
“Does it unlock anything?”
“Besides a metaphorical kingdom?”
Bonjean stuffed it in her pocket. “So you’re going to hand over the reins of the government to us.”
“Yep.”
“And the navy, and the army.”
“The navy, yes. The army will be disbanded over the course of a cycle so as to allow you to place your own officers and such. Obviously the navy is a bit too complicated to hand over just like that, what with all the logistics and such, but you lot are clever. You’ll manage to get it under control within five cycles or so.”
“You’ll give us that long?” Bonjean asked drily.
The emperor waved a hand airly. “I expect it’ll take at least that long for me to take a system.”
“What if you never escape our captivity?”
The emperor chuckled. “Heh. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?”
Bird growled. Bonjean narrowed her eyes. “This *is* a trick.”
She jumped back at the sound of a loud snap, but it was merely the emperor smacking his own face.
“Please, help me help you,” he said. “What can I say that would convince you that I genuinely, truly, want to abandon my empire so I can take it over again?”
“Honestly?” Bonjean said. “Absolutely nothing. This is without a doubt the most insane thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I respect you less for thinking I would fall for it. I respect myself and Bird less for every second we waste listening to you. I can only hope that I will awaken in a moment and find that this is some fever dream resulting from an attempt on my life.”
“That would leave us at something of an impasse, then,” the emperor muttered.
“Indeed.”
“But does it?”
Bird made a sound of disgust. “Here we go again.”
“Look,” the emperor said, pressing on. “The way I see it, you have two options. You can let me go, or you can imprison me.”
“Or we can kill you,” Bird added.
“Granted, yes, but I would prefer not. If you let me go and I’m really the emperor, your people will abandon you when they learn of this whole situation. If I’m an imposter and you let me go, at the very best you will have released a trusted agent and doppelganger of the emperor into the galaxy to wreak havoc. But if you imprison me…”
“Yes, yes, the same explanation but in prison, we get it.” Bonjean sighed. “Bird, take him into custody. Be *extremely* careful. I see no reason to give him the opportunity to reconquer the galaxy that he seems so confident in.”
“Finally!” the emperor cried as Bird quickly and efficiently bound his hands. “You won’t—“
“And gag him,” Bonjean added. She collapsed into her seat as Bird left, shoving the former emperor in front of him. Just like that, the galaxy was free once more.
***
Bonjean slumped in her seat, musing on the immutability of fate. She had been given a winning hand, her enemy quite literally delivered into her hands, and yet somehow, not 20 cycles later, she found herself once again a rebel at the mercy of a tyrant emperor.
At least her second-in-command, the fearsome duelist-turned-spy known only as Mouse, had good news. He was entering the room now. And behind him...
“Hello again!” the emperor said cheerfully, a key in his hands.
“God *damn* it!”
***
More at /r/Badderlocks, now 13% less out of date. This was typed with a very mobile workflow so please let me know about all the typos and formatting snafus.
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Submitted by Badderlocks_ on Sun, Apr 02, 2023 to /r/WritingPrompts/
Full submission hereThe prompt
A tyrant emperor, bored out of his mind because he has already conquered every planet in the galaxy, has the brilliant idea of deconquering all the planets just so he can conquer them again. The rebellion is extremely angry and confused by this.
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