Random stories

The secret to being a vampire is makeup.

Okay, there are alternatives. You can just go and live in the woods. That's a valid approach, and I don't begrudge those who want to try and maintain things the old fashioned way, as well as they can.

Here's the thing, though- there's only so many people out there. That's sort of the *point*. But that also means that there isn't much food.

If you point out that there are *animals* to eat, then *I* will point out that humans are perfectly capable of just chowing down on bugs and mice and all sorts of other creepy-crawlies. Don't call an exterminator- call the family for dinner!

Doesn't sound very nice, does it? No, no it does not.

Besides, there's just something *about* human blood. Vampires who try substituting animals don't *die*, but...I dunno. They turn all funny. Something about sparkly skin and falling for teenage girls.

As every man over the age of 25 or so knows, teenage girls are *not* worth the trouble. To fall for one as a centuries-old immortal is just...

Well. Suffice it to say that we prefer not to live on animal blood if we can possibly avoid it.

But that means interacting with humans, which is...just the *worst*. People suck, you can take it from a professional. Gotta blend in, gotta be polite, gotta pretend to be interested in whatever drivel they're spouting while you get them alone so you can eat.

Do humans have to pretend to be interested in the cows inane ramblings while they fire up the grill? No. No they do not. Don't ever pretend that you don't have it easy. We still have to *work* for our food.

And it's a *lot* of work, and it takes a *lot* of practice to get it even *close* to right.

So, okay, your clothes show up in mirrors, that's good. That's a start. You can go all Invisible Man, wrapped up in stuff, but...I mean, everyone knows that trope. It's enough to make even the huge guys want to give us some space.

(Also, contrary to popular perception, we usually go for men, and the bigger ones at that. Women are usually pretty aware of the possibility that whoever they're talking to might be a threat if they end up without anyone else around, and they've got less blood to boot. Men, you just get them somewhere secluded, hypnotize them a little so they don't remember, and have yourself a meal. Half the time they don't even *notice* the blood loss.)

So you've gotta do makeup. That's not too bad, though, right? Sure, you've gotta learn, but teenage girls all over manage to figure this out- how hard can it be?

The thing about teenage girls, though, is that *they* can actually *see* themselves in the mirror.

So you practice. You start out really, really bad at it, but with careful practice, diligent observation, and really *listening* to what *exactly* people scream as they run away in terror, you can get to the point where you're merely really bad at it.

The end result is that most vampires show up in public looking like overdressed cheap hookers.

Undignified, but, and there's a lot to be said for this, it *works*. And people are wildly unlikely to suspect a cheap hooker of secretly being a supernaturally strong centuries-old immortal. The perception of probably drug addiction also helps out if you slip up and forget what century it is. People don't really listen to what you say.

So let this be a lesson to all you humans out there. Technology has unintended consequences. Do you think that the inventor of the camera set out to unleash cheap vampire hookers upon the world? He did not. But, as his work was adopted and adapted and advanced, that is what he has wrought.

So next time you have a brilliant idea, take a moment and ask yourself: Is it really worth it, if this also means that bigfoot has to go around dressed in drag?

Humans don't have to put up with *their* sandwiches inventing caged lightning or whatever, I'll tell you that much. It's enough to make me think seriously about the animal approach.

---

Submitted by Xavier_Elrose on Thu, Mar 24, 2022 to /r/WritingPrompts/

The prompt

Being a vampire was so easy just a century ago when all I had to worry about was the occasional tin mirror. Nowadays everywhere I turn it's buildings made of glass, cell phone cameras, motion-activated doors and soap dispensers, biometric scanners, security cameras, and NONE of it works on me.